Connecting With What YOU LOVE
I've pulled away from my blog lately and only due to the insecurities that tend to get the best of me sometimes. I struggle - not so much on content or creativity with my writing - but with the editing part. I need help and I hate to ask for it. Anyway, that explains my absence. I also want my blog to not only be about yoga, but more about my journey as a human being on this Earth living it "wildly" day in and day out. So a new direction is in store.
My daughter is now beginning her search of what makes her heart full and beat stronger too. Here I am at the age of 41 still searching. I pray that she (at the age of 18) doesn't take as long as I am to figure out what makes her heart full. I sometimes wonder if I've been a bad role-model for not having found the right profession already. I could also look at it like this - maybe what I did show her is, that she should never give up on her dreams and that my number one job all along is to be the best mom that I can. I do that. Hopefully she views it that way.
To explain a little as to how I got to this place of "what do I do now," maybe you'll understand. In high school my guidance counselor asked me what it is I wanted to do with my life. Of course, I said "forest ranger" or "flight attendant." I knew back then that I loved working outside and I wanted to travel. With funds hard to come by, my mother directed me towards a LPN degree at the local Vo-Tech school. Nursing school?! I never thought of that one. The thing was - I was known to be the caretaker. That was the role I gravitated towards and took on very eagerly. I think I wanted children by the age of 2 and took care of my siblings as though they were my own. Anyway, that's how I got into the role of nurse. I was the nurturer.
I pretty much cried my way through nursing school, but was determined to make something of myself. Oh see, I haven't told you my back story. At the age of six months I was hospitalized with meningitis. My parents were told that I would more than likely not make it through the night. A couple of spinal taps later and weeks of recovery in the hospital - I finally made it home. My parents were told that I may have some hearing difficulties and my motor skills my not be up to par. Luckily, I walked away with just some nerve deafness in my left ear and a learning disability. Physically I was more agile and driven than most kids around me, so that was never a lingering issue.
Those two things set me back for the longest time, especially in school. I thought for the longest time that I was stupid (hence my insecurity) and it didn't help that I was not able to be with my peers in class until sixth grade. Honestly, I think this confusion as to what direction I should go in stems from my childhood and the difficulties I went through. I was in a learning disability class with kids who were in many different grades. I can still recall in Kindergarten class that I was struggling a lot more than the other kids and that bothered the hell out of me. I wanted to be just like them. Speech class was a regular thing for me until 6th grade too. I guess because I wasn't hearing right, I was also not pronouncing things correctly. So, there was a huge struggle for me.
I think when you get a label in life you tend to famously live up to it. My label was "your not very smart," so I never really gave it a good try with school work... until I was in nursing school. Holy smokes was I in for it when I got to nursing school. I never really studied or applied myself to anything in school and now I was dependent on getting good grades me for a license to be something. Talk about playing catch up. I'm still catching up, but at lightening speed.
Through the years I struggled with my nursing career: with bouts of running away from it and forever trying my best to use my degree to get paid a nurses salary, but not actually work as one. I am forever grateful that I did at least have this license to work and support my girls through the years. My heart just was never in it. I'm an empath and a super creative spirit, so the nursing field was a war zone, so to speak, for me. Lots of lessons learned here and I'm ready to move on and move forward with bigger and better things. Nursing is a wonderful field, it's just not for me.
So, that leads me to today and this unwavering need to find my hearts true calling. I hope that my life thus far teaches my girls this...
DEDICATION TO FINDING YOUR PASSION
NEVER TO SETTLE
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES
I'm going to work with affirmations to help replace my tendencies of being self critical and living in negative mind. I'm putting these up on Post Its in the car and on my bathroom mirror. Thoughts do have vibration, so make the best of what is being feed to your soul. You could do the same for something your working on.
I FOLLOW MY DREAMS
I AM LIVING A LIFE OF PASSION AND PURPOSE
I AM IN ALIGNMENT WITH MY HIGHER PURPOSE
EVERY DAY I FOLLOW MY BLISS
AS I FOLLOW MY HEARTS DESIRE, I DISCOVER MY DESTINY
YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO FIGURE IT OUT.
I'm also going to work on setting time everyday to sit in silence meditating. For me meditation only works if I don't try to put some huge goal of time on myself and if it's just five minutes today, well then that works.
Sitting in cross-legged position (sukhasana)
Quiet warm room
Sitting up tall
Crown of head reaching up towards Heaven
Face is soft
Hands are relaxed with palms facing up (mudra) on lap *see below
Breathing is not overly controlled, but nice, long, deep, even breaths
You could use one of those affirmations as a mantra (to cross the mind over)
Breathing in- Everyday
Breathing out- I follow my bliss
"Gertrud Hirschi, in her book Mudras: Yoga in Your Hands, writes that “mudras engage certain areas of the brain and/or soul and exercise a corresponding influence on them.” Western medicine, too, reveals a connection between mind and hands.
When the palms turn up, the shoulders rotate outward and the chest opens. The cervical spine, in response, raises upward and the eyes are directed forward. When upward palms are used in meditation, they position both the mind and the body in an open posture that enhances listening. Our bodies and our sensory organs are positioned to receive information from the outside world. It is little wonder that Eastern practices call this “the giving and receiving mudra.” www.radishmagazine.com
I do know this:
I love yoga, photography, editing my pics, writing, being creative in anyway possible, and being the best mom I can be. Thank God for yoga in my life, because it has taught me to never settle and have faith that everything will fall into place when the time is right.