Letting Go Of Control or The Illusion Of It

A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it’s the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do and that you’ve ever done. But what’s yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it’ll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won’t have to put it back in the sky again.
— C. JoyBell C.
Big Sur, California 

Big Sur, California 

Letting Go and Letting God

I can fondly remember back to the days that I would dress up my little girls in these beautiful outfits, that I of course had picked out for them.  The struggle was real with planting the seeds of goodness in them, with me having to find my own voice and confidence to stand up for what I believed was right for them.  

"My mothering them will never cease."

It started off with breastfeeding and then many other things.  I can remember people back then being so judgmental of me and the comments went something like this, "how long are you going to feed that baby the breast!?", "do you have to hold her all the time?", "you are going to spoil that baby by attending to every cry", "that is so dangerous, sleeping with your baby",  and the list goes on.  At first I allowed these comments to affect me in a way that I almost felt shameful for wanting to do what my intuition was telling me to do.  

I'd think to myself...I'm sorry if you do not like to hold your baby all the time and breastfeed on demand, but this was something I'd love doing.  These things I did were not because I read them from a book, although there were a great number of "attachment parenting" books that did help me through, it was in the end my heart that I was trying my best to listen to. Now looking back I understand why I was being judged so harshly.  It was my own vibration of self doubt that was being projected back to me. 

Through the years, I have loved my girls tirelessly.  Made them a priority over anything else in my life, always wanting to make things better for them.  Watching them grow through the years, cherishing each stage of development and not wanting to move onto the next.  I can see that I've had this illusion of control with them.  Thing is they are their own person and now seeing them at the ages of 12 and 17, makes me hopeful that I've planted all the right seeds for them to flourish into good human beings.  

Letting go of the control to pick out their clothes (I wish), force feed good food into their mouths, pick their friends, and make them hug me like they did when they were 3 yrs old.  Well, those days are long gone.  Although, I will never give up kissing and hugging them, even if they are repulsed by me...I'm still going to try.  More than not, they do choose the right things to do and if not I need to know deep down inside that maybe this is a lesson that they need to learn... Yes, watching from the sideline can be brutal.  My mothering them will never cease.    I rely heavily on practicing my Yoga and keeping Aparigraha in mind~ non-attachment (oh the irony behind this). 

I will continue to plant seeds of goodness in them, trusting their journey (because it's not mine), honoring our deep love and strong mother-daughter bond.   Knowing that all those years of sleepless nights and moving them as often as I did to make a better life for them will have paid off in the end.  Lesson here for me is letting go and letting God. 



Jennifer HagermanComment