To Ride That Heartbeat In All Its Humanness

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Life


I've gotten really good at managing how "my" ER visits go with bringing my mom into the hospital. 
Preparing a bag filled with a book, water, protein bar, chapstick. and let's not forget the charger for the phone.  
I've lost tracks of things lately; like how many years my mom has been faced with such a challenging disease, slowly but surely robbing her of all quality of life, who her doctors are at this present moment, what meds she is currently on, and so on and so on. 
It's been twelve years (I think) and I at every hospital showdown, which has been many I thought for sure I'd lose her.  I'd ride this emotional rollercoaster of anxiety and grief preparing myself for the worse. 
She has always pulled through and I swore to myself the next time I'd remember that.  You know to tell my heart what to do.  That's a joke.
How dare my heart beat so strongly and why still do I face this overwhelming fear of losing her.
Anxiety prevails.
Using every yoga tool I've been taught to ride out the emotions that tend to take over my body and mind. 
Breathing long breaths and trying my best to stay in the moment even when that moment is tough. 
And then I remember to forgive myself for being human and having a heart that loves.  
Yoga has taught me that.
It's taught me to "feel" and not hold on or fight what moves through me. 
 


 Christmas sunset.

Christmas sunset.

Today's hospital visit- 

A visit to Oz and hopefully we are back in the game of life.  Seems to me everyone is on the yellow brick road these days.  I see people stopped on the side of "the road of help" waiting eagerly to be seen and taken care of.  It's crowded here.  I can palpate the pulse of pain and suffering.  Rooting down I connect with the earth while forming a shield of light protection around me to protect my empathetic heart.  One can only hope Oz is able to help everyone here.