My Mother's Eulogy

My Mother, my best friend. 

My Mother, my best friend. 

Dear Deb,

I thought for sure I'd have more time with you and just like that, you're gone.  Honestly, this time around with your visit in the hospital I was writing this eulogy in my head to remember the details of your last days here on earth.  Watching you still run that marathon of life that you ran harder and stronger then anyone I've known.  Through the years I've tried so hard to keep you alive and lessen the suffering you had to endure.  I'm mourning now, but for the longest time have first mourned the loss of your ability to breathe deeply, to come to your granddaughters graduation or any function like that, the loss of your ability to breathe without a machine, then came the loss of your voice which was really hard to take, but through it all you strong spirit remained and plenty of moments of joy.  And then came the biggest loss of all you here on Earth.

In those last hours, I kept touching you to feel every last ounce of YOU, here now; holding your hand, caressing your head, laying my hand on your heart, and then laying at the end of the bed on your legs.  I remember as a child getting yelled at by you because, as you would say,"I was always up your ass" and guess what I actually had thoughts of jumping in that hospital bed to climb up your ass again.

I feel good in my heart knowing everyone that you held so close to your heart was in that hospital room with you to say their goodbyes.  You're at peace now and that is about the only thing that pulls me through the grief of not having you here still by my side.  We are all grieving so deeply, most of us have never felt this void before in our lives.  

Do you know what I'll remember most of about you-  I'll remember how you lived your life content with being a mother.  There's a lot to be said about that and I'm grateful you showed me the way. 

One day I will tell the story of the strongest woman I've ever known to my grandchildren, the story of Nunny their great-grandmother.  Once upon a time, there was a beautiful dark haired shy girl who had a strong voice but felt she wasn't heard.  As this little girl grew up she was fortunate enough to have met a friend Cathy who pulled her along out of her own isolation.  This friend gave her an ear to listen to that voice that was begging to be heard.  They talked and most of all laughed together through there high school years.  Some girls grow up wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer, but Debbie wanted to be a mother...and that's what she did.  Debbie was always true to herself, never pretending to be someone that she was not.  So, sometimes her mouth was loud without a filter and that suited her just fine and if you didn't like it, she didn't give a shit.  I liked that about her.  Just when Debbie was at her lowest trying to build herself up again, her knight in shining armor came from down the road in Oxford.  This knight loved her like she wanted to be loved as a child, unconditionally.  That man became the biggest supporter of her life and pulled her through the toughest times.  Now known as Nunny, the last many years of her life was made possible not only because she was willing to fight for life, but because she had the love of so many children and grandchildren pulling her along the way.  

If the sum total of a good life lived is the number of loved ones by your side during your last breaths, well my mom was truly blessed because that room was crowded. 

As Tommy was saying, Mom is up in heaven talking up a storm and kicking people just because she can.  I kinda like that visual. 

Mom, may you rest easy in the arms of God.  

Your spirit will live on in me, all your children, and grandchildren and eventually great-grandchildren.  That love will never die.

Jennifer Hagerman2 Comments